Exactly thirteen years ago, I said “I do ” and married my soulmate.
I remember giggling as I walked down the aisle on our wedding day with my eyes locked on my best friend who was about to become my groom. Time stopped as I walked down that aisle, crossing the golden bridge into the world of marriage. In some ways, that day feels like yesterday and in some other ways, it feels like forever!
As we celebrate the beginning of the teenage years of our love, I want to share 13 lessons I have learned. I pray that you will find something that will make your marriage or relationship better.
- Friendship does matter
For real – marry your friend! My husband is my best friend and that has sustained our marriage. We talk a lot and laugh a lot. We have very busy work schedules but we make it a priority to catch up at the end of each day and most nights, we fall asleep talking. He is truly my best company and we talk about everything.
To my single friends – marry your friend. Take the time to really know each other while dating (save the kisses, smooches and stuff for much later). Discover each other’s dreams, likes, dislikes, childhood stories, ambitions, strengths and weaknesses.
If you are already married, keep nurturing your friendship. If you are not really good friends with your spouse, take the time to build a deep friendship. Start by talking, asking questions, and spending time together.
- Fall in love with someone who loves God more than you
The hierarchy is absolutely clear in our marriage. God first and then each other. I love the way my husband loves the Lord! There are certain things that I know my husband will not do because he loves God. He has such a tender relationship with God and that challenges me to be more yielded to God. Things are very straightforward for him when God speaks. Living with him has made me a better Christian. Our mutual love for God is the core of our marriage.
To my single friends – marry someone who really loves God. There are many things that will change in life but if your spouse truly loves God, the most important things will not change. Please do not plan to “convert” your partner after marriage. That responsibility is too heavy for you and it doesn’t always work out as planned.
To my married friends – make God the center of your marriage. It is never too late to dedicate your relationship to God.
- Dreaming together makes life an adventure
Dreaming together is powerful! In our marriage, we have endless conversations about the possibilities of destiny! We paint vivid pictures of our future. Dreaming together makes life an adventure. It has been a blessing to see our dreams come to pass! Now we dream with our children. We all dream about what we want to do, the places we want to go, and nothing is out of range (FYI- visiting another planet is on our list)
Another great advantage of dreaming together is that when God makes the dream a reality, the evidence is undeniable. Many times, we sit and marvel at the greatness of the God who cares about the details of our lives. The testimonies become reference points for our family as we continue to walk with God. In the face of challenges, it has been a blessing to remind each other that the Lord who did “that” will also do “this ” .
Testimonies become a memorial. Believe God together.
4. Praying together keeps the marriage together
It is comforting to know that we can both call on God individually. However it has been powerful to pray together, believe God together and seek God together. There have been times in our marriage when we walked the floor together in prayer in the dark of the night. We have been able to take our challenges to God in complete dependence on Him. There have been times when we literally had to be on prayer guard all night, handing off to each other so the other can get some sleep while we kept prayer watch. Praying together has drawn us closer together and made our marriage stronger.
Make it a priority to pray together in your marriage or relationship. Unity gives your prayer more power.
5. Grow Together
It is important to grow together as a couple, learn new things, go places, read books, take classes and evolve together. All the things that connect you should not be in the past. The fun times should not be based solely on things that you used to do. Make it a priority to continue to grow together – personally and professionally.
We laugh at each other when we remember our early fashion tastes, investment ideas, TV shows, etc. It has been a joy to look back and see how far we have come together. We look forward to growing into our future together. We usually transfer good books from one bedside table to another with squeals of “you need to read this book!”
A few years ago, we started ice skating together, taking classes, falling down on the ice and learning the swivels and crossovers at our individual paces. He is now a budding hockey player but I am still super cautious on those thin blades! However the joy is that we can both get on the ice and have a good time together!
6. Create margin for each person to grow
While it is important to grow together, it is also critical to create margin in your marriage for each spouse to grow and explore new things and the boundaries of their potential. Support each other and cheer each other on! I love to write and guess who reads everything that I write and edits my work – my precious husband! He lets me go on and on about the book ideas, blog ideas and all the writing ideas that flood my head. He encourages me to keep writing and become excellent in my craft. I do the same for his music and business plans. We cheer each other on and it’s refreshing!
Do not make your partner stop doing something he/she loves because you don ‘t enjoy it. Be each other’s greatest cheer leader.
7. Adore your spouse
Keep the fire of love burning brighter each day in your marriage! Adore your spouse and let it be obvious.
I lovey-dovey on my husband big time! My earliest memories are of him playing the piano. Needless to say, seeing him on the piano always flips my switch! I fall in love all over again and stare at him adoringly. The irony is that he is usually in the zone when he is playing the piano and doesn’t always look at me, but that makes me love him even more!!!
8. Make great memories!
It is important to make great memories! The shared experiences will strengthen your marriage. Over the past 13 years, Hubby and I have shared many treasured experiences.
Sometimes we start out in different camps and then we eventually align. For example, we both enjoy soccer but we were fans of 2 different clubs when we got married. He has always been a Manchester United fan and I was an ardent Arsenal fan with no intention of changing. I used to grit my teeth when we visited the Manchester United home base at Old Trafford. Over the last 3 years, I switched clubs partly due to the underwhelming performance of my previous club.
9. Put things (and people) in perspective
Learn to put things in perspective in your marriage. Years from now, some of the things that are super important to you right now will not matter at all – you won’t even remember the details. It is also important to know that people will come and go – don ‘t let them separate you! You will meet friends, colleagues, mentors, etc. who would seem very important in a season of your married life. Learn from them and enjoy the journey of life together but do not let them become strongholds in your marriage. Put people in perspective. Years from now, they may not be in your lives anymore. Protect your marriage and prioritize each other.
10. Believe the best days are ahead
We truly believe that our best days are ahead of us! We have made up our minds to maximize each phase of life together and we do not postpone our joy.
Friends, please do not wait till a specific time to enjoy each other. Do not schedule your fulfillment. Make each day a masterpiece! However, never forget that no matter how great today is, your best days together are ahead. Do not let the challenge of today loom and overshadow everything else. Tomorrow is another day and things will be better for you. That anticipation will make you look forward to each new day.
11. Prioritize family time
In our current stage of life, it is no longer all about us. Our children are young and we take their formative years as a sacred treasure from God. We do our best to invest in them and spend quality time together daily. It is so easy to expend my best energy doing several things and be too exhausted for family time. However, we have learnt to actively schedule family time into our days. That could mean that relaxation time is spent building castles with Lego blocks or playing horsey on the floor. We have accepted that as part of the deal.
12. Be truly present
We have learnt that when we are together, it is important to be truly present with each other. We eliminate digital distraction as much as possible and we practice looking into each other’s eyes when talking. One of the ways that I honor my husband is to give him my full attention. Multitasking is such a deceptive concept in marital communication.
With my husband, my goal is monotasking. I don’t have anything more important to do.
Like good wine that gets better with age, a great marriage gets better, sweeter and richer with the years. However, unlike the wine that needs to be left alone to mature, a great marriage needs to be tended.
To my married friends- work at being present in your marriage and no matter how good things are, they can get even better.
13. Take the time to identify your core values
One of the best things that we did early in our marriage was to prayerfully articulate the mission statement for our marriage. I remember that it was challenging to craft the statement and we prayed over several versions before we settled on the final version that is framed in our library. We were tempted to avoid the hard work and just “figure it out as we go”. However, we chose to take the time to ask each other the hard questions and articulate our core values that need to remain as we evolve. We had to be clear about what we stand for. Decision making became easier when we both understood the mission. The added benefit of defining our core values is that we can now tell our children what it means to be a Layi-Ojo.
To my married friends, take the time to understand who you are individually and to define your collective identity as a family. Do not let the society tell you how to live your lives. You need to know where you are going together. When the vision is clear, you can focus your energy and efforts consistently.
To my single friends, take the time to know yourself before you get married. Allow God to do the deep work in you now. Invest in yourself today. A centered you will be a treasure to your spouse.
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I would like to hear from you in the comment section. Please let me know how many years you’ve been married and share some of the lessons you’ve learned.
Wishing you love!
Ibidun
